Grace & Me

I guess you have noticed I have taken a seriously long break from blogging. I have so much to share and so much has happened in the past two plus months. Most I will save for another time, the greatest news is that is what I have been given MORE TIME! As you must have an idea, I have this journey with cancer that wants to keep interfering with my life but it is just a bump in the road and I will continue . The most important thing I want to share today is God's grace is more than enough. More than life, more than health, more than anything it is...

2 Corinthians 12:9  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

It's Autumn * Happy New Year*

First, I know this may seem weird but I do not like New Year's day.  I don’t know why but to me it is kind of a depressing day maybe it is the letdown after all the holidays or what but I don’t like it. So last year I made the choice to make my New Year the 1st day day of Autumn. It was great, after all even Hallmark pocket calendars start in September!  If you think about it Autumn is the time to harvest old crops and plant seeds that will bloom in spring.

 So this year I have made a list for my
New Year

*Read the Bible in a year in chronological order – I thought my love of history would make this be an even bigger blessing.

*Make a new friend each month and pray for them for that month- That is 12 more people in my life that I could learn from and maybe I will be a blessing to them.

*Dance at least once a day- even if I don’t feel like it!

*Go for a Walk 3 times a week-God has so many things to see even when it’s raining and cold

*Act like a girl throughout the month-not a tough woman but a girly girl. This may be odd to some but sometimes I forget this.

*Learn to sew -AND actually make stuff, cute stuff, and something in RED

*Buy Boots- I know this is not very spiritual but I have wanted boots for 3 years and I really want to get a pair this year so I just added them to the list-

So this is my short list so far. What made me want to make a list this year is I really started thinking of how long a year really is. For me it is not 365 days, I live in increments of 14 days. I take my cancer meds. for 14 days then I am off for 14 days and then repeat it again I do this for a year. That means I could live for a year or not, I could live for 20 years or not, but my choice is this I want to make every day count.  After all I could be crossing the street and get hit by a charging moose and die, you just don't know! What a difference a day makes when you make that day count for something more than yourself. (OK maybe I shouldn't have let you know about the boots) 

After all reading the bible every day is great, but if you are not DOING something with that knowledge about a true and loving God what good is it. And being healed from a disease is great but if your life is just about living for you what good is that.  So maybe I make a list with the hope that every day God will change me and make me a better person with a purpose for Him.  So I hope you will make today be

“The Best Day Ever!"  

Hebrews 13:8 -Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

ShOw aNd TeLL

Some days I feel like Lilo’s doll Scrump

I know it is a little bit dramatic but I do feel like a sewn together doll, thanks to the ravages left from all of my surgeries. I know I am blessed that most of my scars cannot be seen with my clothes on, and I have seen what others have gone through and it could be so much worse. Most of all I am blessed to be alive! But… I have THOSE days when I see myself and I long for the days before cancer. I do realize it is all vanity, but occasionally I do have THOSE days, and sometimes it just makes me sad.

Funny thing is my Grandbabes find it fascinating. They have no idea why I have these scars they only know that I had some “bad stuff” taken out. In the beginning, I was so afraid they would only see me as the sick Grandma and it use to be a huge fear of mine. But that is not how it turned out at all, they think that is just how I am, and I am their little SHOW AND TELL doll. They are always asking if they can see them, I know it is somewhat freaky I agree, but they are all under five years old they are just babes, and they think it is great. They also think it is great to see a praying mantis or a large beetle.  What is my heart’s desire is they will know when they get older is that their Grandma was touched by God and lived her life with joy. When they come to the age of trials in their lives, they will remember my trials and know that God will always be there for them too, for they were a witness to His unfailing love. No matter how hard the trial is or how they may want to give up, they will remember the testimony of my life and will have the confidence knowing God will never leave them. They may know the pain of the scars but they will remember the joy in the story.

How about you do you have any scars? My hope is that you do, NO not scars that are visible to the eye, but a scar where the “bad stuff” was taken out. Maybe you have a scar where God took out your hard heart and gave you a heart full of Christ love. Or a scar where you had small clenched fists and God gave you new open hands for giving. Do you have a scar on your eyes where you were blind to the need of others and God gave you new eyes to see? Or maybe, just maybe you have a scar that reaches from the top of your head to the soles of your feet where God made you whole. Be a testimony of hope to someone’s life, share your story, and be that SHOW AND TELL person God has called you to be.

Romans 15:13- May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

First Person Responsibility

Do you have any pet peeves? I think we all have some pet peeve, you know that thing that annoys you and makes you think your perfect little world is disturb by that one thing. How about: when people leave the cap off the toothpaste, or people who drink directly out of the milk/orange juice container, and then put the empty container back in the refrigerator - that is somewhat annoying but that's two things . Not washing hands after using the bathroom- OK that is just disgusting. Guys who leave the toilet seat up- I had three brothers and then two sons I was always the only girl, so really when you think about it maybe guys is people who leave the toilet seat down. How about when you’re eating something and a person will just steal a little bit of it – yep that does kind of  bug me !

 Well I am going to share mine and it is my ugly side but here goes… my biggest one is what I call “First Person Responsibility”. This is the first one at the red light has the responsibility to make sure when the light turns green he GOES and tries to get everyone behind him through the light too.

 He doesn’t think about Aunt Mabel’s cookies, or talk to the person in the passenger seat, or anything else. I feel like it is a job that you shouldn’t take lightly. If you wait, the light will think no one is there and BAM it is red again and the only person who gets through is that guy and the rest of us are all sitting back at the intersection waiting on a red light.

I try very hard to remember forgiveness with this one, and I also try very hard not to just nudge that person with my car. I think that is illegal but maybe the judge would see my theory and feel like it is completely appropriate behavior on this one, but then I don’t think I want to risk it. I bet at some point in my life I was that girl at the red light that waited and didn’t get anyone else through but me and I didn’t even know it- no not me, no way-well maybe.

When it comes down to it, we all have that “First Person Responsibility” to lead by our example. How others who are watching to see what direction we will take and then they will follow. It can be simply how your children see you when you get angry or disappointed waiting and watching to see how you will get through it. Some may be watching to see how you react to change, are you going to just stay there waiting, or will you move on in faith knowing God has a plan. Maybe you don’t even know that there is someone behind you but they are there, and they want to get through the green light too. Life can be so hard sometimes and if we see someone walking ahead of us leading showing us the love of God, we can all make it. We are all leaders in some way or another, at one point in your life you are the first one at the red light just remember when it turns green I am behind you so let’s go, get us through the intersection.

1 Timothy 4:12 -Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.

Wipeout

 Have you ever seen the TV show "Wipeout"? Each week crazy people take on one of the world's largest extreme obstacle course hoping to be the "Wipeout Champion." It is at times grueling to watch people get  smacked around, catapulted in the air, swim or crawl through mud, shot in the face with all kind of nasty stuff, and continue to the next round.

For some reason it is my Grandson’s “new” favorite show, (last week it was Little Bear), so when he was over the other night he said, “Grandma, let’s watch my favorite funny show”. I know before you say anything about violence on television I too thought the same thing. So I said, “I don’t think we should watch this, it is kind of a mean and an awful lot of hitting going on”. His response was” No Grandma, it’s funny, they get knocked down but they can get up and do it again”. So we watched it and every time someone would get wiped-out, he would say, “Wait Grandma watch, they get up and get to do it again”.

So here I am, the next day sitting in church and all of a sudden little flashes of the “Wipeout” scenes come flashing through my head. That is when I realized this has been my life for the last several weeks.

I would start out fine thinking OK I can do this, right God, and bam I got sucked punched, knocked me to my knees

 got up and shook it off, feeling the sting on my face I continued on, and bam catapulted into a sea of yuckiness,

got up again and tried to stand tall, and bam and the big old sweeper kicked my feet right under me

I laid down for a while on that one but pulled myself to a half standing position.

Finally, just when I didn’t think I could take anymore I crawled into the throne room of God and begged for His grace. Do you think the course ended there? The answer is nope, the next day received a couple of phone calls, that let’s just say wasn’t the best news, and bam blow to my left side

I limped around on my right for the rest of the day.

As I sat in church thinking of all that has taken place lately and hoping to hear from God, that He will bless me with a calm, sweet week--all I can hear is this little boy's voice about this crazy show-- and I realize I GOT UP! I didn’t stay down in the mud, I didn’t lay down face first drowning in the water, and I didn’t stay on the ground. I GOT UP! I may have crawled at times but I GOT UP! I guess Grace doesn’t always bring victory in the obstacles, sometimes Grace comes with Mercy and just let’s you GET UP and get through the obstacles!

Acts 20:24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the LORD Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

I'm Still HERE!

My 2-Year anniversary is June 6, the date I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of metastatic melanoma, cancer. I really think the moment you find out you have cancer is a bit like finding out there is no Santa (but worse). Your world grows up in a new and scary way. All I wanted was my ordinary life back, and it became utterly clear, that time becomes more valuable than anything else is. Well, I didn't get my “ordinary life” back if I did I think that would be the sad part of the story. I had a good life but not a great life. I really think I focused on some really crazy things. What I did get is more time to have an extra-ordinary life and that is just aMaZiNg! I have danced more, sang more, laughed more, loved more, and defiantly hugged more than I ever did B.C (before cancer). My days are just better! .My life looking back on it was like drinking flat Coke, it looked good but there was just something missing. Sometimes I know hearing about another cancer story from me is like hearing about another celebrity in rehab, it just might get old. But, I can’t help but share how really amazing God is in my life. It truly is my story about redemption, grace and love. Everybody has a story in his or her life, mine just happens to be cancer. I guess you might be saying, what a silly thing to celebrate that anniversary date. It sounds so dark and depressing and it would almost seem like I am focusing on the past. This date does not define me as a girl with cancer; this date is the milestone marker of my life. You know as a  marker set up on a roadside to indicate the distance in miles you have gone. So this is my two-year marker! I ask myself, what have I done with my life in two years? Have I shown others God’s love? Have I witnessed Christ salvation? Am I being all that God has called me to be? So I will aim towards the next marker, the next milestone, I will celebrate this day with hope that I can only have that in God. After all, I am still here!

"How He Loves"

You  know when you hear a song and it touches your heart and you listen to it over & over again, that is how this song touched me. ~~LIVE K-LOVE - David Crowder~~ Plus I think David Crowder loves my saying "The bigger the hair the closer to God" :) Enjoy hope it blesses you too!

I'll Pray

I have to admit I was one of those people that say, “I'll pray for you” and I thought about it at the moment but honestly, I usually didn’t think of it again. It was just something I said to make me/them feel better. Funny how you don’t know the impact of your words or the true meaning and you take a simple statement like “I’ll pray for you” for granted. I think I arrange words in my head to have a different meaning so that I feel good when I say them. On the other hand, maybe it has just become such a popular thing to say to one another and I don’t want to be secluded from my peers. Of course, everything changed for me when I became one of those people that really needed people to pray for me. My words slapped me in the face or should I say my words have convicted me of my sin. After all prayer is just a conversation with God and conversation is just talk, and talk is what I do most of all! I talk to everyone and anyone, and sometimes I talk to myself so much I wish I could tell myself to be quite. So why in all my talking did I not take time to talk to God about somebody else as I said I would? So I changed all that, about five years ago, with my new and improved prayer plan. When someone is in distress or needs immediate prayer I only say I prayed for you if I did it, and when I tell someone I will keep you in my prayers I only say it if I mean it. That means I put that person’s name on a piece of paper and put it on my refrigerator to remind me to pray for them. I would like to tell them I will talk to God about you but that sounds a little cRaZy. Jesus gave us a perfect example of how to pray He said it simply and beautifully so I follow His guide. I will praise God, thank God, ask God and that is all simply talking to God. Most importantly, when I say, “I’ll pray” I will!

My Best Day Ever Again!

Well Tomorrow is the big day! I will be blessed to meet Grandbabe number 6, I am so excited. Another princess to add to our family, so that makes 1 little prince and 5 princesses. Most importantly, I am so thankful that I am alive to see her birth God is so good!

Gift Cards

I love love love gift cards! I love to get them; they just make me so happy! Believe it or not, I even had a dream once that I went to my mailbox and every envelope I opened had a gift card inside- crazy right! When I go into a store with my gift card in hand, somehow I feel that I can buy anything I want in that store. Standing in line at Starbucks I will look over the menu to see if I will get a drink I have never tried no matter the cost because “I” have a gift card, as I get to the counter I end up ordering the same thing as always a Grande drip. Once, I received a gift card to Home Goods for $100.00, entering the store I started to look at things I normally wouldn’t like a large red vase, and shiny new pots & pans, fancy drawer liners. You know it ended up I had the hardest time using that money I had waaay to many choices. Maybe it is silly but somehow the word “budget” seems to leave my mind, I will look at things I normally wouldn’t and I typically end up getting something on sale. I guess so I can say I bought so much more with that "gift card". Cheep date right! Some people think that giving a gift card is not personal but to me it is just fun! Have you seen some of them they have cute pictures on them for whatever occasion birthday, wedding holidays from the normal credit card size to the pop-out book kind with music. Target actually has one that is a viewfinder and you can add a personal message. Really, it doesn’t matter what store they are from or the amount all I know is that they are a “Gift”. My heart always reminds me of the perfect gift, Jesus. In addition, He has also given us a gift card, the great Comforter the Holy Spirit. Jesus said, "I am leaving you with a gift -- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid.”. Jesus is the absolute perfect gift given to us and all we have to do is accept him. There is no requirements, limitations, amount or expiration on that gift card, and most importantly, it is FREE. I think that is why I have such a love affair with gift cards it reminds me of my Father and the gift He has given me.

John14:26.But when the Father sends the Counselor as my representative -- and by the Counselor I mean the Holy Spirit -- he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I myself have told you.

27."I am leaving you with a gift -- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid.

Waiting...Really???

I have to admit I am not good at waiting. It brings to my mind so many negative images.

The definition of Waiting noun- the act of waiting (remaining inactive in one place while expecting something)

To be truthful at times I get bored, weary, and discouraged and depression starts to creep in while I am waiting. I have never thought it was a very good word and I wondered why it is used so many times in the bible. So I looked up the word again.

Waiting adjective- being and remaining ready and available for use  

Waiting is an active word! It requires us to be deeply engaged and present. Waiting on the Lord is listening; we are actively pursuing Him with anticipation. God does not want us to mope as we wait; He wants us to wait with excitement! He wants our mind to be actively focused on His goodness. Then we will have new strength and courage to walk, run, and soar through all of our trials. So today, I am going to go and wait on the Lord.

They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.—Isaiah 40:31

Animal Scans

Went for my animal scans today PET/CAT/MRI. I don’t know why they all sound like something that is supposed to be cute because they are not. In the morning, as I walked in to the Roy Disney Cancer Center I almost began to weep. Thankfully, I no longer enter in to this with fear not knowing what to expect because I do. It was just walking in the door again. There, going through this crazy cancer journey are so many people. Some have the look of shock with wide eyes of fear knowing they have just heard those awful words "you have cancer" . Some with all stages of hair loss from the thinning hair to the complete baldness, some wear hats to hide, some just have gotten so use to the baldness they wear it proudly knowing they are still here. I fit somewhere in between all of them I am no longer shaking with fear, and have lost my look of shock, but I am still scared to accept the familiarity of all of this. I like denial it keeps me safe it keeps me not accepting a death sentence and yet it does keep me hoping that I will live to see my healing. So I was grateful today that this reality has changed my life for the better. So gratefully, I have such a loving Father that held my hand the whole time.

God Can Talk Through An Ass

So today is my big debut at The Angeles Clinic, to see Dr. I Know Everything About Melanoma. We will see if there are any new and effective clinical trials for me. Hopefully, there is a non-balding one but if not I will start my chemo cocktail my doctor has recommended. So with all that said I had ask for prayer because I will be driving to the “Big City” (it is only about 35 miles) and is totally out of my comfort zone. I received so many posts on Facebook from dear sweet friends that really encouraged me, especially this one “If God can talk through an ass in the bible He can do anything”. Don’t you just love it! I know I am the apple of my Father’s eye and I am more than an ass so I am expecting God to do great and mighty things. He always does He always will!

Beautiful Christian Sister

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ


That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'


When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'


I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'


When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.


I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.


When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.


I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.


When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.


I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.


When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,


My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.


When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...


I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.


When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,


I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!


Pretty is as Pretty does... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!

By Maya Angelou

Goliath & Me

Now the story part, in my bible reading I came up to the part of David & Goliath, in my mind I was like oh yea I know this story. I have read about it many times, heard so many sermons/teachings on it, so basically it started out to be like I was reading a recipe on how to make rice. I continued to read about David’s past how upset he was that this big old guy was talking smack about God and his people, so he decides to take matters in his own hand. So he tell Saul what he is going to do, Saul tells him you are just a boy and he tells Saul all about his lion & bear experience. You probably know the story well. Then I came across 1 Sam 17:38 & 38 I know I have NEVER ever read these verses before. Saul tells David to put on his armor David puts it on take a few steps and then says, “I can’t go in these", he protests, “I’m not used to them”. I have no memory of ever reading this seriously, I had to read it again to make sure I didn’t just make it up in my head. This is the good part were the spirit of the Lord came alive to me when the text turns into a 3D experience and the words are raised as if it is Braille. It hit me David knew what he had to do for God and his people he looked in his past saw how God always protected him and he had destroyed lion & bears, then he looked ahead of him and saw a giant. He knew what the Lord wanted him to do. He could not put on Saul’s armor because that was Saul’s armor not his. It was how Saul walked his walk it was not his walk. To me it just shows how you cannot walk someone else’s relationship with the Lord you have to have your own. I have had bears and lions in my past and I know the Lord has destroyed them and the Goliath (cancer) that is in front of me may look big, but I know the Lord has given me more than enough to equipment me for the battle. I want to be as confident as David was; I want to be more like Christ.

Remission or Re-Mission

I looked up the word "remission" today to see what is the actually meaning of the word. This is what I got
Remission
noun
the act or an instance of remitting; specif.,

1. forgiveness or pardon, as of sins or crimes

2. cancellation of or release from a debt, tax, penalty, etc.

3. A lessening or abating, as of heat or cold, pain, etc.

4. a relatively prolonged lessening or disappearance of the symptoms of a disease

What was amazing to me is the definition I thought I would see first being related to cancer, and it was not first it was last. The first was about forgiveness or pardon can you believe that! I have a get out of my own jail free card. Then it says cancellation of or release from debt OK now I no longer have to carry that burden of trying to “be good enough” or just the act of paying back others to be accepted I have been released. The third definition is a lessening (reduction) of pain, so all of my disappointments are lessened so I don’t even have to remember them. Now the last thing on the list is a disappearance of the symptoms of a disease not just as in related to cancer but any disease of hurt, as in hurt of in my heart or trouble in my life that has tried to eat away at my joy. So let me get this right in my head I am IN "remission"… I no longer have to carry my sin it is gone, I no longer have to “do” more or “be” more, my grief is gone, my wound in my heart is so small I can not even feel it, and lastly no longer will I see any of that it has been removed, moved out, gone, absent, no more, cease to exist.

I am in "remission" because of Christ not because I don’t have signs of cancer. Cancer may come or go it picks and chooses who it wants to infect, but Gods' "remission" is everlasting it is for everyone. Even in the dictionary, a simple word brings us back to God, how he has pardoned my sins because of Jesus. He did all of that for me and He can do the same for you if you just ask Him too. May this Christmas you have "REMISSION" and receive His gift for you

Today really was "The Best Day Ever"

Today really was The Best Day Ever! I was baptized today. When I woke up this morning, I was filled with excitement kind of like Christmas morning. By the time I got to church, my hands were shaking; it was like the waiting in line at Disneyland's Matterhorn when you are ten years old you are so excited you just cannot stand it. As I walked up to our huge baptismal tub my heart was beating, so fast I cannot even describe the feeling. A man came up to me to tell me my oldest son Ryan was there, I did not think anyone from my family was going to be able to come as my whole family is sick. That was so awesome that he came to share it with me. It turned out I was being baptized with a girl that was about twelve years old, she looked at me and said "I'm a little nervous" and I said "me too but you know what, today we are both going to share our baptism birthday isn't that exciting", and she said "we are, aren't we" and she started to smile. As I walked up I knew this is the place God had led me to all of my life the trials that I have experienced cancer, heartache, poverty, all of it could not compare to the suffering my Lord did for me on the cross. It put it all of it into perspective of eternity. As my Pastor read my testimony and I went under, I knew my life had changed. So very thankful I have a Father that loves me so much and makes me whole and clean. What a great way to start the advent season, the time we wait in anticipation of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. It really was The Best Day Ever!

"Bring the Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

[1st Chorus]

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

[2nd Chorus 2x]

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

[2nd Chorus 2x]
"Bring The Rain",Mercy Me